I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
