I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
