i think my tv is drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
