I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
