I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
