Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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