I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
how drunk are you?
Several
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
