Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
