I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
