You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
