Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
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you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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