You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
