Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My pussy is not your playground.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
