I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
