Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
