he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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