I cannot find my penis.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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