May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
