Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
