The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
