there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
