This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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