another moral hangover. fuck.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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