The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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