I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
