do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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