Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
