I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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