Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
