3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
