You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
