Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
