It was confusing and full of hummus
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
