Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
