Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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