Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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