I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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