I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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