I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
