Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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