I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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