Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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