I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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