omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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