it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
