So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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