I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
