I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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