I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
