they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
