So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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