the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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