I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
sarcasm needs its own font
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
