need another drink. this is the easiest way
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
